What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
I don’t know what the trick is, but you certainly are a treat.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
I've got something to tell you that I think you ought to know, That my eyes are on you baby.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee
I wonder if you can help me? I seem to be suffering from a lack of Vitamin U.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
What do you call a loud conversation? A megaphone.
The female janitor at my office asked me if I would like to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
Why did Prince Charming take the Thanksgiving Turkey to the ball instead of Cinderella?
The turkey was already dressed.
Do you want to be my lab partner? I think we could have some great chemistry together.
Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
I dreamt about you. You died.
Hey, are you a bear cub? Because you’re un-bear-ably adorable.
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Want to lock our bikes together?
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put ewe and I together.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
Some people like to play croc-quet.
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
I'm fondue you, it's true
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the
Spanish Ink Quiz Session.
What is a dog’s ideal job?
A barkeologist.