When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
What was the seal's favorite subject in school?
ART ART ART!
Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
Pugs and kisses.
I’m a fraction – be my other half.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Was your guacamole salad good?
Yes, it was avocado this world.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
Stop Stalin and let’s hook up.
Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
These voices in my head have been telling me to come over here and talk to you.
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
I always invite the mushroom to my party because he is such a fun-guy.
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
Because pepper always makes them sneeze.
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
What do you call the Greek God of Mexican chickens?
Apollo
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
You're my eggnog: sweet, chill, and delish.
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
What are you doing this saturday? I've got a football match, but I'd rather score with you
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
A pretty lady wasn't on my shopping list but I can be spontaneous.
Girl, are you my Spotify playlist? ‘Cuz I wanna listen to you all day long.
I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet...
They were two toucans.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!