It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.

Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.

Shell-abrate the good times!

What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.

I may study semantics, but you're what gives my life meaning.

On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.

There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.

Wanna have a bath with me.. you can play with my rubber dickie.

The best stretches are partner stretches.

The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.

What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.

How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.

The lager you wait, the better it tastes.

What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.

A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.

My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"

What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps.

Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!

Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.

(By Abimbola T. Alabi)

Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”

I actually prefer that life give me lemons so that I can make a pretty lady like you some lemonade on a hot Summer's day.

Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.

Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"

What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted

Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.

"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan

Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.

As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.

How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.

What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.

In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.

What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!

My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.

How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.

I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.

Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.

Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.

What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.

The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.

She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside

Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.

What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.

Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!

I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.

I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.

I should have dressed up as a ghost tonight so I could let you under my sheets.

Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)