What’s a llama’s favorite drink?
Llamanade.
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Ah, I always knew all Alexanders were Great
Ah! The element of surprise.
Baby, I would trade the entire candy bar in the world for you.
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
You elevate checking out to a mystical event worthy only of gods and champions.
When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:
This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.
The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.
I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.
I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.
That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.
I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.
(By Richard Thomas)
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
Fir sure.
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
Please stop with all the corona jokes.
I‘m sick of it.
Well… I gotta de-Clara, I think I’ve just fallen in love.
I have the final sleigh.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
Just call me your baby, cause I wanna be inside you for the next 9 months.
What's an prisoners favorite battery? Duracell Why are inmates so angry all the time? Cause they have bad cell service.
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatchet.
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
"I don't tan. I burn"
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
I hear your thirsty? Well I've got a six pack right here!
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
"It's not you...it's your taste in music"
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
I'm from the Outback and I'd like to take you out back.