I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Swimming trunks!
I feel like God's telling me that you should go on a date with me.
"I took a gamble and chose you, now i believe I made a bad bet."
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
Did you get your license suspended for driving so many guys crazy?
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
I think you are suffering from a lack of Vitamin Me.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.
Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
Hey, let’s go out some time! Olly’ven pay for everything
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
Are you a human? Just making sure.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
Oh buoy – we’re having a splash bash!
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
Let's play a game called TV, I turn your knobs and you watch my antennae rise.
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.
I normally fish for trout but I'll make and exception for you.
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
Of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies, I'm so lucky you walked into mine
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
I could say that I wandered lonely as a cloud before I met you, but what are these Wordsworth if you won't go out with me?
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?