Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!
What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
You’re as sweet as a flower, and not a daisy goes by when I don’t think of you.
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
Look like we've got a long wait here in the check-out line, so why don't we get acquainted.
Just call me your baby, cause I wanna be inside you for the next 9 months.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
What is an unlimited phone plan? A limit cannot be charged.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
[Beer] This is my number one draft pick.
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
I'm fondue you, it's true
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
The first time I saw your hiking boots, I knew we were sole-mates.
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Sorry I'm late, I kep falling for you on the way.
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.