It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
How should you greet a Ghost? - Long time, no see.
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
Are you sure we haven’t had a class together before? I could have sworn that we had chemistry together.
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
I’ll have a crocodile sandwich please, and make it snappy!
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
Your smile must be a black hole. Nothing can escape its pull.
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
Pirates Private Property.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
I’d be Ryan if I said you weren’t cute
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney
What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.
Six slimy snails sailed silently.
The ocean made me salty.
I'd love to go up and down with you, fancy a hill rep session?
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.