I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
In the 5th month of every year, my aunt lets her pigs in the field…
It’s mayham!
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
I’ve got my ion you, baby.
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.
He was Tolkien all the way through.
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
Can I follow you home? Cause my parents always told me to follow my dreams.
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
Fishing you a happy day.
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
Owl always love you.
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
Flute players provide some cheap trills.
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
Are you an overdue book? Because you have fine written all over you!
Wow, you’re such a catch. I could never let you Chlo-e.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic