Are you one of Job's daughters?
Because you're twice as beautiful as any other girl I've ever seen.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!

Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.

What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.

What do zombies eat for dessert?
Eyes cream.

Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.

*Baste on a True Story...*

Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.

"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."

What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.

Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.

Are you an alien because you abducted my heart long ago.

Which sea creature gives the best hugs?
A cuttlefish

How did they punish the longshoreman whose improper ship mooring caused the destruction of a pier?
They docked his pay.

It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead

But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band

So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear

When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour

As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy

So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy

- Paul Curtis

"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery

What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.

What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.

A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”

What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.

How do you Charlemange-age to get through the last few days before vacation?

“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon

You look pretty fun, I hope this means I’m headed into a new S-era of good luck

You're like fireworks: smokin' hot, fun, and radiant.

What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!

What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.

A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"

Ice simply love it when it snows!

“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”

I’d check your blood sugar, but you’re sweet enough.

What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!

"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"

I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!

– Emily Dickinson

Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.

“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield

Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?

What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.

I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play

Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff

“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien

Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.

Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise

They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent

These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort

They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more

I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis

Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.

"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."

What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a break from delivering gifts? Santa Pause!

What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.