How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
Are you a compound of beryllium and barium? Because you’re a total BaBe.
Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
What happened when Turbo lost his shell? He began to feel sluggish.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
Crash courses for private pilots - The Daily Telegraph
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Did you invent the airplane? ‘Cause, you seem Wright to me.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?
Reggae-Toni.
I'm reading a book called "The Yellow River"
It's written by I.P. Freely
When the drivers ran out of fuel in the grassland, they refueled their tanks with grass-oline!
My friend learned Spanish by jotting sentences repeatedly...
He used wrote learning.
I want to live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
I pitcher us together forever.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.