“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.
What did the sarcastic otter say?
I think you’ve confused me with someone who builds a dam.
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
What happened when the two giraffes had a race?
It was neck and neck.
You will never see a vampire betting on the horses. They can't handle the stakes.
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
Does your left eye hurt? Because you’ve been looking right all day.
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
Girl, your personality is so magnetic I think our protons are in alignment.
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver
What’s another popular Christmas song that baby koalas like to sing? “Joey to the World”, of course!
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
You just caused a heat wave.
What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you even after I'm sixty-four!
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
You are the square to my root.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
Santa’s whiskey was much too hearty,
It seems he was a bit of a smarty;
The last day of October,
He is clearly not sober,
He’s wound up at a Halloween party.
What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
You’re just like the black line at the bottom of the pool– I’d be lost without you.
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.