Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
Aria free next Friday for dinner?
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
Not all math puns are bad.
Just sum.
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
Do you have raisins? How about a date?
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
I love you from my head tomatoes.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Girl, we must be a bipartite graph, because I just thought of an efficient algorithm for finding an optimal matching for the two of us.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
How do Santa’s elves go to different floors in the North Pole toy workshop? They use the elf-avator!
Walk by a girl and say "Are you looking at me? And if she says no say "Damn!" You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.
A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
My daughter told me COVID stinks and she misses her teacher...
I told her "I Ms. your teacher too."
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
What do you say to a bee that bothers you?
"Buzz off!"
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.
Your beauty is blinding.
What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)