Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene
How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
If you look at the map of my heart, it says 'You are here.'
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
How do deer clean their feet?
Hoof paste.
Hey, was your daddy a barista because you are ALMOST what I ordered.
Why did the werewolf laugh while chewing on the skeleton?
He got to the funny bone.
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
You're like baseball: You make me all nervous
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
I’m a fraction – be my other half.
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
What do you get when you dump your Easter eggs on a hill?
A spring roll!
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
Why do spider-musicians always have such long concert tours?
Because they have so many legs.
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
Just because your football team calls itself the unicorns doesn’t mean they can play in the corn field.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.