Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes?
He's herd them all.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
"For peep's sake."
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
Why shouldn't you iron a four-leaf clover?
You don't want to press your luck!
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
Q: Why did the tornado take a break?
A: Because it ran out of wind!
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
Can I buy you an Easter Egg?
Would you sleep with me for $100? I could really use the money.
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
I'd buy a tandem bike just to ride with you.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
Did I tell you about my new girlfriend who also plays football?
Yeah.. she‘s a keeper
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
Will you remember me in a minute?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a year?
Yes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
You didn’t remember me!
I won't take no for an answer. I'm having Nunavut.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material!
You can fill my caudate nucleus with dopamine anytime.
It's ice to meet you.
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
There was so much crackling on the line, I thought a pig was disturbing the phone.
You seem a little mer-mad.
Why didn’t the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn’t in it.
If you take the "L" out of LOVER. Its OVER.
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”