Would you like to share fire with me?
Why did the confused gnome decide to see a shrink?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
Brianna-st, on a scale of 1-10, how perfect was that pun?
What kind of diet did the deer go on when she was trying to lose weight?
A non-deery diet.
Do you wanna see a magic trick? Watch me pull something out of my pants!
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
When should astronauts retire?
When they start spacing out.
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
I can out here for an easy run, but you make my heart do speed work
"I don't tan. I burn"
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
What does a polite vampire say to its victim?
- Fang you very much.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
I C Major potential in us getting together.
What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra.
You can never find the barcode.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.