How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?
Whoopsie Daisies
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
I know we just met, but I Cairo lot about you.
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
In Quebec they used to practise throwing the puck in the zone, and then
sitting back to wait for a turnover. But eventually the players were
criticized for this dump-and-chaise tactic.
Take a page from the book and leaf.
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
Is it hard to count conifers? It’s as simple as one, two, tree!
Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
I can score from multiple positions.
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
You're like the neighbors' WiFi. Everyone wants to use you.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
Everyone said the wind was powerful. So, I went outside and was blown away.
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."