What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
What do you get when you cross a Sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
I have a connection to make, but first I want to connect with you.
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
Are you a doughnut? Because I find you a-dough-rable.
Let's hang out sometime. You bring your beaker and I'll bring my stirring rod.
Good game--you certainly scored all your extra points with me.
What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
Did you just move from the subdominant to the supertonic? Because I think you’re my perfect counterpoint.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
What do you call a bear that’s stuck out in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
What did the scientist’s cat say? I think I’ve lost an electron, I’m pawsitive!
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
Fairies just spell trouble.
Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?