How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
What do you call a rental car in Spain?
A Barceloaner.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
Wanna join me for some downward doggy-style tonight?
What do you call a kangaroo in Africa?
Lost.
What is a medieval owl called?
A knight owl.
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
Babe, are you a virus? 'Cause, you're having an effect on my whole body.
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
I'm local, all natural, homemade and certified organic: wanna taste?
A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
She passed.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
Roses are red, violets are blue, Antarctica is hot compared to you.
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
Feeling my shelf.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
Would Gretzky have changed his name in order to play in Mexico?
Yes, The Great Juan did what it takes.
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
You are my butter-half!
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
I couldn’t help but approach, you’ve been on my mind Twenty four Evan
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
Here comes the sun of my life
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
Are you a durian? Because you're a total snack, but you smell like rotting flesh.
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
Aside from being single, what do you do for a living?
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!