"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
When is Monday coming?
MonSoon!
Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
[Beer] This is my number one draft pick.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? MY ZIPPER!
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
Why do werewolves not enter the Olympics? Too high a chance of a silver medal.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
Are you a virus? ‘Cause I think you’re taking control over my body.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pickle
Pickle who?
Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.
Where do spiders play football?
Webley Stadium.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
Mountains aren't just funny.
They're hill areas.
Lost on a mountain, you can collect rainwater to drink during storms.
Otherwise, you just have to make dew.
You must be from Prague, because I can't help but Czech you out.
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
We all know that rooms are just empty spaces, and no one can even dream of making a delicacy out of them. The only room is the mushroom.
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
Who wears red and brings catnip to sleeping kittens? Santa Claws!
If we were binary, you’d be the one for me.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.