A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
What do we call a deer that wears a mask and refuses to tell its name?
“Anony – moose.”
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
Ah! The element of surprise.
Are you a dog? Because I'd like to throw you a bone.
Why do you think is the moon bald? Because it has no ‘air.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Everywhere’s a palace when I get to be with Alice
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
You snow the drill.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
Take a page from the book and leaf.
You octopi my thoughts.
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? The Space bar!
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
What is a baby sasquatch's favorite toy?
His Yeti Bear!
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a sparkle.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.
My personal trainer said I have to come over and talk to you for five minutes as part of my routine.
We aren't even in hot yoga, but you have me sweating.
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.