Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
My dad died on Thanksgiving whilst eating dinner.
Fowl play was suspected.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
1.
What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
Want to plan a ride up the hill. It feels great when you're on top.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
I'm from the Outback and I'd like to take you out back.
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!
Did you hear about the gnome rogue?
Of course not, that g is silent!
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Beats.
Beats who?
Beats me.
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
You’re so beautiful even the leaves fall for you.
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
Get in the swim this summer.
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
Baby, I am only tempted by two things: you and chocolate.
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.