Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
Wondering what crows prefer with soup, crows like crowtons in their soup.
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
I am a jogger, but date me and I will never run away from you.
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
Baby, I'm like efavirenz. I can decrease your odds of nightmares, but you still may have strong vivid dreams about me — a very common side effect.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
Deaf mute gets new hearing
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
A storefront that boasts a fruit pun, just peachy.
I feel like we’re developing some good chemis-tree.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
Why doesn’t Frankenstein go on airplanes?
He can’t get past the airport metal detector.
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
Who needs a sled when you can just ride me?
What happened when an orange, an apple, and a banana all went on a picnic together?
They had a “fruit-ful” day.
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
Are you a stop watch? Because our time is up.
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
Sorry, I'm octopied.
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.