Why do worms have trouble getting up in the morning? Because the early bird catches the worm.
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
He could binomial.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
What happened when the artist tried to draw a cube? He suffered from a mental block.
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
Are you religious?
Because your prayers have just been answered.
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
Apart from being a running gear model, what do you do for a living?
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
Are you Ebala? Because you melt my insides.
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
You must be a neuron, cause you’ve got some action potential.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
What do you get if you cross a baseball pitcher and a carpet?
A throw rug.
I’m not usually one for Austin-tatious pickup lines, but I decided to make an exception for you.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark, you still seem to shine.
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
Man: Baby, your body is a wonderland!
Woman: That's funny, because yours is a wasteland!
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.