Do you know what I did last night? I looked up at the stars, and matched each one with a reason why I love you.
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
What do you call a herd of undead llamas?
The zombie alpacalypse.
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
Why was the big white tiger angry with his other Siberian tiger friend? Because he bleached him while grooming.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
If my love were music, you'd be the most beaituful lyrics in the songbook
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
Girls just wanna have sun!
Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
I wish I was an ion, so I could form an exothermic bond with you.
How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.
Hey what’s your favourite dessert? Mine’s e-Clairs
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.