Swiping can be such dangerous territory, but I think I’ve a Safe Harper in this match
Girl, are you Netflix?
Because I love watching 'you.'
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
Hey how’s it going? Ben jammin’ much today?
You’re like a pair of goggles; without you, everything’s a blur.
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
Don’t wait on me to start the meeting. I might be a hare late.
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
I'd catalog you with the cookbooks because you look delicious.
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
Wanna join me for some downward doggy-style tonight?
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.
Did you know this mall has a movie theater? I just saw a preview of our life together. Looks pretty good!
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Who was the greatest dog detective?
Sherlock Bones.
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
I put the “man” in Manitoba.
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
You are more precious than my blue suede shoes
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
If you look at the map of my heart, it says 'You are here.'
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.