Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
Did you hear about the watermelon who starred in a telanovella?
“It was melondramatic.”
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
You're like a dictionary... you add meaning to my life.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!
I need a date; do you know where I could find one?
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
Are you a drum? Because my heart beats for you.
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
I won’t let you slip through my Butter Fingers.
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
I only wanted a week's supply of sweets instead I got a lifetime supply because I got you.
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
I'm reading a book called "The Yellow River"
It's written by I.P. Freely
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
What type of songs do planets sing?
Nep-Tunes.
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.