Orange you excited for Halloween?
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
Man: Do you work at the Bakery, cause you have a nice set of buns.
Woman: Do you work at a Grocery store? Then why are you checking me out?
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
Can you do sign language?
I wish I knew how to sign because I don't think any spoken words can describe how beautiful you are.
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
But wait—there’s myrrh.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
"I'll always remember last night, but I think we can forget about tomorrow."
What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's Popcorn?"
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver