Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.

There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.

How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!

I bet you’re Ethan better in person

What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.

There was an exotic pet race to take place.

Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"

The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:

"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."

“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown

What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.

What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.

Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!

"There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met - goodbye."

What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.

Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.

"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."

It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.

What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.

Hey babe, wanna make a zygote?

"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci

Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.

What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”

What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.

What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.

"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."

What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.

If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.

Whatever floats your goat.

Paddy like a rockstar.

How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw

Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.

hat did the pizza slicer say when he wanted to rob the pizza?
“Hand over the dough or I’ll cut you!”

Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.

I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.

“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”

- Rob Delaney.

A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra

Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.

My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”

My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”

Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.

Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.

I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.

I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!

There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.

My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.

Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen

I’m kind of a big dill.

“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy

What’s a potato’s least favorite dance? The Mash Potato.