Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
The ref better give me 2 for hooking, 'cause baby I'm hooked on you.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Help me score one more time for team Canada?
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
Roses are red
Violets are cheaper
If I leave silent voicemails
Please don’t call me a creeper.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
You must be French, because you're looking really Nice tonight.
When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.
Knock knock.
Come in.
Is that a telescope in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Are you a centripetal force? Because you make my world go round.
The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?
He was the first Porkmaster General.
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they’d look silly with long hair!
Are you a cat? Because you look purrrfect!
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree on me.
It was a hambush.
What do ghosts use to keep their hair in place? Scare-spray!
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
Hey girl, are you a broom?
Why, because I swept you off your feet?
No, because you're really hairy.
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
Your heart stops when you sneeze. Kind of like what happens when I think of you.
In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."