What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
How much dew does a dewdrop drop
If dewdrops do drop dew?
They do drop, they do
As do dewdrops drop
If dewdrops do drop dew.
If you were a dynamically allocated variable in a C++ program, you'd create a leak. Because I'd never delete you from my life.
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
Why did the girl break up with the boy?
He was driving her crazy!
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Why don’t we go somewhere where I can stick a candle in your jack-o-lantern?
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
Is there a wormhole that will always take me directly to where you are?
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
You're by far the prettiest girl here. The 'Liberty bell' of the ball.
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
How does a Man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it.
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
I like my partners, like how i like my fast-food meals. Extra-large!
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
"No eggs-cuses."
How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
King Tut.
King Tut who?
King Tut-key fried chicken!
My flower blooms whenever I see your beautiful face, I hope you know what I mean.
If you were a baseball mit, would you catch my fly balls?
What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.