Your pheromones are driving me wild.
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
I hope you know CPR, baby because you take my breath away.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee. It was atoll.
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
What did the upright bass say to the nervous guitar?
“You’re too high strung, don’t fret.”
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
Who’s your paddy?
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
Are you a lover of magic tricks? Pass me a paper and watch my number appear on it.
I threw water on a flamingo the other day
Now it's just an O.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
Baby, meeting you was better than an NHL lockout ending.
Girl, we must be a bipartite graph, because I just thought of an efficient algorithm for finding an optimal matching for the two of us.
Looks like I’ve finally found my one and Zoe
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
Hey girl, I'd give you my heart but I already gave it to Jesus.
You can have my number though.
Guess my spotify is broken. I saw you on the top 10 of this month, but you're clearly a solid 11.
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
You better beer-live it!
I feel the rush upon eating chocolate whenever I hold your hand.
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
I give roughing a whole new definition.
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
I'm not a professional referee, but please can I have your name and number?
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
I like you a latte.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H