Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
The best holiday for you to go bowling is thanksgiving because you will get turkeys.
If we raced, I would let you win, so I could get a good view from the back.
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
Mind if my comet enters your solar system?
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
"You're perfect in every way, just not for me."
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
You are the HCl to my NaOH. With our sweet love, we could make an ocean together.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
How do you make a rabbit float? Put soda, syrup, and milk into a glass. Add one rabbit.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
Are you a Frappuccino? Because I want to be that whipped cream on the top.
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.
How did the pine propose to the apple? With a pineapple ring.
If a lamb and tiger were crossed, you would end up with a striped sweater.
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
Hey beautiful! Your face is like a moon. Always glowing.