“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
When the cow forget how to give milk, she was udderly confused.
You must be the Easter Bunny, because you’ve got me all egg-cited.
What do you call a solar powered keyboard?
A photosynthesiser
What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? Two rabbits on Rollerblades!
Nice pumpkins!
Green glass globes glow greenly.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
Turns out my dad who’s a locksmith still has to go to work during lockdown.
He’s a key worker, you see.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
Roses are red, Violet are blue. What would you do. If I fell in love with you?
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.
With long legs like yours, you don't need high heels.
I don't normally put all my eggs in one basket, but I wanna be your number one bunny, honey.
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
Well… I gotta de-Clara, I think I’ve just fallen in love.
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
Don't fork-get your manners.
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
Prepare to be bowled over.
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun ?
Whatever it wants to be called.
What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.
I think you're mer-mazing.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.