Maybe you need a little Vitamin ME in your life.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?
He used his frankincense.
Treat yo'elf.
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
In on the ground flora.
You must be Portuguese because I could Lisbon to that accent all night long.
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
Why did the belt get arrested? Because he held up a pair of pants. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
I used to fear giants.
Now I look up to them.
Hey there cyclist, want to go on a morning ride?
Come, let’s measure the coefficient of friction between us.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"
She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner"
I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here."
Do you like strawberries or blueberries? - Cuz I need to know what pancakes to make you in the morning.
What do cows in Greece sound like?
They say µ.
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
It’s snow joke.
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
What is the most favourite drink of a cow? Mountain Moo.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
In Ireland, I call the shots.
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
Are you from heaven? because you seem like an angel to me?
What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!
What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!