“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
Are you a cat? Because you look purrrfect!
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
I went to the butcher's the other day and asked them, how do you prepare your turkey for Thanksgiving?
They said that they just tell them straight out that you're gonna die.
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
What do you call a group of dyslexic crows?
A redrum.
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
Let's hang out sometime. You bring your beaker and I'll bring my stirring rod.
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
Do you run track? Because you are running laps around my heart.
Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.