Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
I tried buying a car from a religious person and got a lemon!
I suppose you get what you prayed for..
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
Here, look at this blank piece of paper for a second… I wrote every reason why we should stick together on it.
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
Whoa, Heaven must be missing an angel! Because you’re dead to me.
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
Got plans for leftovers, yet?
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Roses are red, violets are blue. We're breaking up beacause I never loved you."
Erase erratic bat from your vocabulary because I am as functional as they come.
I'll be Burger King and you be McDonald's. I'll have it my way, and you'll be lovin' it.
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
Things went pour-ably wrong.
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow macaroni.
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
Do you like yoga? Because yoganna love what I can offer you.
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
They say that Disney World is "the happiest place on earth".
They've obviously never been in your arms.
You must have been born in Pearl Harbor, because baby you da bomb.
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.