What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
Why wasn't the jogger all that bummed out when his girlfriend broke up with him?
'Cause they had a good run.
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
What is the only difference between a lion and a tiger? The mane part is missing in a tiger.
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives.
Because he never met you.
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
If a young goat learns a martial art, are they a karate kid?
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
I’ve always followed in my father’s footsteps until today.
He turned around and said, “STOP!”
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
When I look into the future, I see you giving me your number.
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
If you suck playing the trumpet, that's probably why.
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
My feelings for you are Mont-real.
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
Hey girl, I've got an extensive collection of solution manuals. Can I get your number?
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.