Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
Wow, I was just wishing for a soulmate Anna minute later, we matched. What are the chances?
"I mead more wine."
The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.
I know my math. And you’ve got one significant figure!
"You're the wine that I want."
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
Baby, you light up my mood like the way chocolate can.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.
Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
I had a rainbow for lunch. I'm trying to eat light.
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
Why does it take so long for the EU to figure out how much Italy owes them every year?
Hey, ease up. Rome wasn't billed in a day.
Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
She couldn't find the "10" button.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
Do you know the difference between a wasps and a bee? A wasp is mean and aggressive… but Abby is sweet and cute
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong