I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
Did you know Def Leppard's drummer makes the best Thanksgiving guest?
He only ever needs one drumstick.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
What’s a whale’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships.
What milk comes from Spain?
Soy Milk.
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
Why should you never go back in time to alter the outcome of a football game?
You’ll be called for past interference!
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Don’t be elfish.
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
A drummer got a tattoo of a drum kit on himself
It was very cymbalic.
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
Luca here, I’m just going to cut to the chase and ask if you want to get a drink with me
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put I at the beginning and U at the end.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
If you think chewbaccas hairy just wait till you see my wookie.
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A Milne
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
How do you organize a space party? You planet!
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.