Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
Gnomes don’t understand jokes, they go right over their heads.
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
You must be French, because you're looking really Nice tonight.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
Are you the British museum?
‘Cuz you stole my (he)art
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
I feel the rush upon eating chocolate whenever I hold your hand.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
Here comes the sun of my life
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call the FINE print!
Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.
Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.
I whale always love you.
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
I actually prefer that life give me lemons so that I can make a pretty lady like you some lemonade on a hot Summer's day.
What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.