The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.

You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.

How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.

I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.

What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome

I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.

Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.

I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(By Andrew Jefferson)

I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled

- Paul Curtis

What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.

I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.

What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking

Are you in the Library catalog? I'd love to get you're number.

Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.

I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now

"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller

Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.

I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers

What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.

When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.

Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.

Have you botany plants lately?

Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!

What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.

My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.

Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.

Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.

If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.

Hey baby are you American cheese because you come as a single now.

Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.

What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death

After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”

What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.

My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious...or DID she?

Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.

Are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.

Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.

"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge

What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.

Eggs - the original boneless chicken.

Hey cutie, I Sense you have a lot of Sensibility. Was that too Austen-tatious of me to point out?

A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...

What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.

Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.

I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.

What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.

It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.

"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"

You don't know jack-o-lantern

Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.

“Elves are always defending the shape of their ears. They make some good points.”