Have you ever driven a boat? Try to park it on my dock.
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
France is beautiful in every Cezanne.
What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
You should give me your number..who knows, I Michael you later…
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
Can I take a picture of you so Santa knows what I want for Christmas?
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Donut take this the wrong way, but I just want to sprinkle you with sugar and spice.
Why was the deer a good driver? He was great at using the deering wheel!
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
Is Spotify down? Well the music in my house is now up. Wanna come by and listen to records?
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.
(Ogden Nash)
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts. It's how you apply the force.
Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.