What do you call a wet teddy bear?
A drizzly bear.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I can love you more than a cowboy loves a fat calf.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
How does a kangaroo win a gold medal?
In the long jump.
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird
Knock knock.
Come in.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
Mouse code!
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Amanda.
Amanda who?
Amanda lay you, your lonely nights are over.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
Baby you got the perfect route for me.
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
You can count on the stars, but you can’t ever count on how much I miss you.
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
Beer-lieve it or not!
Are you a needle? Because you are sew special to me.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
You must be a banana because I find you very a-peeling.
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pickle
Pickle who?
Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!
What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
Is that a fugue I can hear? Because we’re about to get entangled
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
What's the problem with Father's day?
It always falls on Son-day
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.