My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
Hey son, do you know why the pilgrims ate biscuits at the first Thanksgiving?
Because they had a boatload of May-flour.
Why were there cows on the baseball field?
Because they were looking for the bullpen.
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?
Spoilers.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
What does Spider-man become when he joins the circus?
an aracnobat.
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
You’re so hot, you denature my enzymes.
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
Why did the sapling jump in the ocean? He wanted to swim with the manatrees.
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
"That's all, yolks."
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.