Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.
I can’t find a costume for Halloween, so can I just go as your boyfriend?
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
Are those Guess jeans? Because guess who wants to get into them.
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
The first time I saw your hiking boots, I knew we were sole-mates.
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
If you were a flower, I would pick you.
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes.
Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...
Changed into jeans and was all good.
Can February March? No. But April May.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
Snow on and snow forth.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
Are you a Victoria's Secret model? Because heaven's missing an Angel.
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
Would you like to share fire with me?
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
Is that an energy bar in your pocket, or are you just happpy to see me?