What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.

"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir

What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!

It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.

Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!

The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.

'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."

The leech, who is good at drawing blood, applied for a job in an art gallery.

I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.

What did the motivational speaker say?
Don’t take life for granite.

How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.

What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.

We make a great pear

So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.

“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”

"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck

Do you have an inhaler? You took my breath away.

I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”

"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld

What do you call the dandruff found on unicorn manes? Horn flakes.

They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.

Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau

What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!

What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

"Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?"

Are you sure we haven’t had a class together before? I could have sworn that we had chemistry together.

Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast

“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge

Can I get your number? Because I like you a latte.

“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy

The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!

Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.

Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.

What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!

What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
Thanks shallot.

A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.

I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.

What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.

Are you an onion? Cause I want to peel your layers.

What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.

Q. How do you describe a deer joke with a screwed up punch line?
A. Bucked up.

When the wolf stood on the grape, the latter said nothing but let out a little bit of a wine.

How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.

“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown

A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.

I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.