What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
Are you a dog? Because I'd like to throw you a bone.
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
Hmm, there seems to be a kiss of mint in this blend. How about a real kiss, just to be sure?
I'm sorry I'll have to confiscate your driving license...
Because you are driving me crazy!
Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.
French people give me the crepes.
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday
Whats a good Spanish sports channel?
ESBieN.
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
Why couldn't anyone see the flamingo? It was in de skies.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."
Hey girl, I’m not just going to show you the world, I’ll show you the universe.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
What is a zombie's favorite kind of weather?
Brainstorms.
What superhero takes public transportation to get around? Bus Lightyear.
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
Hey Adam… it’s Adam shame I don’t have your number yet
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
If you take the "L" out of LOVER. Its OVER.
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
I'm snow bored.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
In Quebec they used to practise throwing the puck in the zone, and then
sitting back to wait for a turnover. But eventually the players were
criticized for this dump-and-chaise tactic.