What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
Sorry lady, I'll have to eat you after dinner.
Because you're a snack!
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
Do you like bananas or blueberries?
I want to know what kind of pancakes to make in the morning.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
You look so good, it's like you have a permanent photoshop filter on.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
I must be a diamond now, because you just gave me a hardness of 10.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
- If you need me, call me on my shell.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
I wish I was Tim Horton's coffee…So I could get close to your lips.
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
“I couldn’t help but notice that you look a lot like my next girlfriend.”
- Will Smith, Hitch (2005)
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!
The other goes What Cactussssss...
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, a good movie, and mimosas with no pants on...
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.