Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.
You are my loop condition. I keep coming back to you.
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
51. What does a car yell when something goes wrong?
‘Jesus Chrysler!’
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
You're kind of ugly and fat. Lucky for you, I'm into those things.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
Where does a cow hang his best paintings? In a moo-seum, of course.
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!
Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes?
He's herd them all.
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
We may be two ships that pass in the night, but I must have your number before you Ceylon.
Why did the werewolf laugh while chewing on the skeleton?
He got to the funny bone.
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
What did the puppy say to his mum?
I woof you.
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.