What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
What did the flower say when he wanted a second chance?
I’ll grow on you.
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
Hey Cinderella, must be time I took you home. It’s nearly midnight!
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Let's hang out sometime. You bring your beaker and I'll bring my stirring rod.
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
You look like a vision in your dress tartan.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
It's a-boat time for a holiday!
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
You must be a narrative hook. Because you’re stuck in my mind.
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
What do you call a goat that lip-syncs?
Billy Vanilli.
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
It’s not you – it’s me. I don’t like you anymore.