Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
Irish I may, Irish I might.
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
If four plus four equals eight, then me plus you equals fate.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
This hottie has forever changed the film industry, and it starts with the letter P and ends with 'orn'. Reel your mind back in - we're talking popcorn!
Hey girl, are you gold? Because I'm in Au of your beauty.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
I was trying to think of a good pun for your name, but I can’t think of Jack
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
Say it ain’t snow.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
Why do trees make the worst enemies?
Because they are the best at throwing shade.
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know if you don't open the door?
Sorry, I can't play hide and seek. Someone like you is simply impossible to find.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
Hey, was your daddy a barista because you are ALMOST what I ordered.
You should dress up as a baker for Halloween with that set of buns.
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.