The last four letters of 'queue' are not silent
They're just waiting their turn.
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
What do you call a paper plane that doesn't fly ?
Stationary.
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
You are the square to my root.
Pick-up line: You might as well play be a tennis player, because I’m about to court you girl.
Every time I think about you, my heart’s tempo shifts from adagio to allegro.
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
If you can’t decide which side to take to Thanksgiving.
Bringing your side piece is guarenteed to cause drama.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
What advice did the grandpa pig have for his kids?
“Don’t take anything for grunted.”
I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
"You crack me up."
Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.
Calm before the score
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Impatient cow.
Impatient cow wh-?
Mooooo!
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
“Monday should be optional.”
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
Is your Spotify working? Because I would love you to join my family plan.
You're eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.