What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
I stretched out my hamstrings, but every time I see you, I feel a tug at my heartstrings
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
What type of music should you play at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Sham-rock!
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
"Do you have a cell phone I could use?"
"Why?"
"Someone has to call God and tell him that one of his angels is missing."
- Couples Retreat (2009)
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
As I only have two factors, I’m the prime candidate for you.
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
How do you shoot a three-headed ghoul?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
You must sprinkle extra sugar in your cereal in the morning...
Why, because I'm so sweet?
No, because you're really fat.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Well, I have to say I am William-pressed with you
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
"It's not you...it's your taste in music"
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
Until I saw you, I didn't believe I'd ever see an arctic fox.
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
Are you a star? Because you are twinkling at the party.
What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
"Just looking on the sunny side."