What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
Why do they eat snail in France?
Because they don’t have fast food.
What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
Girl, are you a swimming cap? Because you’re always on my head.
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a grizzly bear?
A. Fired from the zoo.
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Take me to Papa John's, because this is love at 425 degrees.
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
Fishing you a happy day.
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
You're eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.
Babe, all the trail leads straight to you.
How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
You brighten up my day just like the anti-fog spray for my goggles.
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by you again?
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
Actually, it’s kangaroo.
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
Something in the way you move attracts me like no other
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.