You're like my favourite chocolate bar - half sweet and half nuts!
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
Tropic like it's hot.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
Your treat or mine?
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
I feel like a Christmas tree when you talk to me because I light up.
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test?
This is too much pressure!
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
Why do farmers make terrible comedians?
Their jokes are corny!
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
Baby, I didn't buy any fireworks this year, because you're the only one who lights up my sky.
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.
I wanna bob for your apples.
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
I’m very frond of you.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
That's a nice dress — where's the rest of it?
You’re so beautiful you make me want to bloom.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous