Just found a fly in my beer. I'm feeling buzzed.
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
I’m trying to find a date for this weekend…do you Noah guy?
What is a dog’s ideal job?
A barkeologist.
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
"I need to re-wine my life."
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he liked cool music.
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
Your love will always be up to par.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
Why do the French eat snails? They dislike fast food.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
It's lit.
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
The square root of all my fantasies is you.
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."