Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because honestly, Karen, you are a demon.
Good thing I just bought term life insurance … because I saw you and my heart stopped!
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
Do you know how to drive stick? Because I sure as hell do.
Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are both will end up in the gutter.
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
What are you doing hanging out in aisle 3? You clearly belong in aisle 9. Aisle 10 is within arm's reach but that all depends on whether or not you'll have dinner with me.
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet. Nobody new why.
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
(Kim Merryman)
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
Jedi Mind Trick: "This is the geek you're looking for." waves hand.
I’ve always been a trucker, but recently I applied for a job at Microsoft. I’ve heard they’re always looking for more drivers.
Went camping last night. It was in-tents.
Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.
BREAKING NEWS: Vietnam accidentally sank its own submarine killing all 350 on board
Whoops, wrong sub.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.
Who put the Howl in Halloween?
Not ghouls just the people they ate!
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
I’m considering a modulation… Because I want to come up to your level
I've been thinking about you owl night long...
According to the multiverse theory, there’s at least one universe where we end up together. Do you want this universe to be one of them?
What do you call a clever duck?
A wise quacker.
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
I’m no Thomas Paine, but you and I are Common Sense.
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.