How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
Yo girl are you the 29th state added to America?
Because Iowanna be with anybody else
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
Say it ain’t snow.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
Error 404: Your number is not found on my phone.
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
Do you have a pencil? Cause I want to erase your past and write our future.
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.