“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.
What dinner dish does a developing neuron use?
A neural plate.
Why do volleyball players join the military? They want to gain extra experience in the service.
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
You asked me what love was and I did not know how to answer it. Now I know it's a feeling that can not be mastered.
I bet you play soccer because you're a keeper.
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot
Hey there cyclist, do you need to use my pump?
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
What Twix do you have up your sleeve that makes me love you?
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
I'm using the wishbone to manifest a date with you.
I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
Lettuce go on a long drive.
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!