What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
"Back that glass up."
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
Uni-corn? I though that’s what you call a single grain or maize.
I had to clean my filter twice after I saw how beautiful you are because I couldn’t believe my Arabicas.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
Where do astronauts go for lunch?
Apollo Loco.
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
These book puns have tickled your spine.
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.
Do you comma here often?
Knock, knock,
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
Girl, you must be norepinephrine because you make my heart race.
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.
My personal trainer said I have to come over and talk to you for five minutes as part of my routine.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Double
Double who?
W!
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!