Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.
Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
Call me on the shellphone.
What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.
A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...
During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.
She's waiting.
She's waiting...
The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"
The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
You might not be America’s Most Wanted, but you’re at the top of my Watch List.
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!
Dublin’ the fun.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna partridge in a pear tree.
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
Are you British?
Cuz you just colonised my heart.
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
You mermake me happy.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!”
Me: "That's how long your delay was."
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
Why should the Sun get into a school? To get brighter.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
Variety is the ice of life.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.