Do you have any raisins?
No? How about a date?
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
They can prohibit my alcohol, you intoxicate me enough.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
Girl, let me take you home and show you my advanced statistic.
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
There’s muffin I wouldn’t do for breakfast.
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
If you ever need directions, call for a navi-gator.
Why did the Chinese communist party try to cover up the outbreak of the corona virus disease?
They were afraid not everyone could get it.
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
Composers always score.
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
I would totally carve your pumpkin.
Why was the computer coughing?
It had a virus.
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert!
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
I'm wearing green, you're wearing green, we have so much in common we should go out sometime.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
Just promise you won’t tamper with my heart.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
I was gonna say something really sweet about you but when I saw you I was speechless.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...