Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.

How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.

There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.

Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.

What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.

Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!

Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!

What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!

Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.

Get that red light ready, because you and I are about to score.

Why do worms have trouble getting up in the morning? Because the early bird catches the worm.

Having been thrown out of cartoon art school, he was in suspended animation.

This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.

What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.

My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.

Thank brew very much.

Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.

How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.

What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.

“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”

- Erma Bombeck.

How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.

You had me at taco.

Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.

A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.

What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!

What animal would you most like to be on a cold day?
A little otter...

“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright

An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.

It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.

When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving

What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!

Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.

Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.

I don't bite you know - unless it's called for.

What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.

These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.

It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.

- Janice Canerdy

What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.

Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.

How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.

There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.

What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.

The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.

In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.

What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.

I stumbled into a room where everyone's ears were missing.
I know it sounds EARy, but it wasn't.

If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.

Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.

Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."

Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."

Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!

Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.