“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
What do you call a thriller movie involving cars?
Suspension movie.
I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?"
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
I’m no Thomas Paine, but you and I are Common Sense.
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
King Tut.
King Tut who?
King Tut-key fried chicken!
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
What do you call a large gorilla who appears to be in a bad mood?
Sir.
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
Girl, are you fries? Because I would like you at my side.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
What type of room do you eat? A mush room.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
My Cobra pose isn't the only thing that's rising upward.
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
"You could be drinking whole [milk] if you wanted to."
- Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Want to lock our bikes together?
What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
What do you think Abby-t going on a date sometime?