What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
An innocent fellow named Tim
Met a zombie quite horrid and grim.
Tim patted its head
Before it had fed.
I wonder what happened to him!
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
They say that Disney World is "the happiest place on earth".
They've obviously never been in your arms.
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, what do you get?
Arrested.
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
Do you have a pencil? Cause I want to erase your past and write our future.
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
Do you happen to know sign language? Because this is the last time you’ll hear from me.
The weather is almost as beautiful as you, m'lady.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
What do you get when a raven flies into a group of 18 crows?
Corvid-19.
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
Aren't you tired? Because you've been galloping through my mind all evening.
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
"You can't beat me."
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
Dust is a disk's worst enemy.
Do you have a Bandaid? Cos I just scraped my knee falling for you.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
I’ve never experienced having my dream come true, until the day I met you.
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
You must be calcification on a non-contrast CT, cause you’re just glowing.
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.