I always get cuts and bruises because every single day, minute and second i keep on falling in love with you.
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?
- Looks like you are running a femur.
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
Are you teh Easter Bunny? Because you’ve spent the entire day hopping around in my head.
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
Sorry for not calling sooner, I was budy complaining to Spotify for not naming you the year's hottest single.
Do you know why you need to get up early? Because you’re the sunshine.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
Oh I didn't mean to pull you in so close. I thought I heard a rutting bull moose.
70 percent of the human body is made up of water and im very thirsty.
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Husband material.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
These decorations are tree-mendous.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
What do llamas always say after yoga class?
“Llamaste.”
I'll love you until Tom catches Jerry and has him for supper.
Q. How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, but it has to be a really BIG light bulb.
A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.
I wish I were Castiel so I could have everything in your personal space.