What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
Wow, you feel like a comet, you are a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I’m glad I didn’t miss it. Can I buy you a drink?
If you think I’m hot now, wait until you see what I turn into at midnight.
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
When the baseball team chose an owl masot, did they get a designated hooter?
That romantic cow took his new girlfriend to the moo-vies.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.
Come, let’s measure the coefficient of friction between us.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
What did the sink say to the water faucet?
You’re a real drip.
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!
My coach told me not to get my heart rate over 160 today, but then I screwed up when I saw you!
Let's 'bag' this place and go get a coffee. And yes, I am proud of that pun.
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
Q: Why can’t oranges be pirates?
A: They don’t get scurvy.
You are as cute and cuddly as a Koala.
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!
What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
1.
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey