What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
Why didn’t the two algae ever have se*?
Because they had a planktonic relationship
I'd spend Tuesdays with Morrie, but baby, I'd spend every day with you.
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
I'm a proverbs 32 kind of guy and you're a proverbs 31 kinda woman.
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
Wish I was British so I could say "could you polish me nob?"
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
Juvenile Court Tries Shooting Defendant
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can I worm my way in to your house!
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
Can i give you a kiss? If you don’t like it, you can return it.
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
What’s the best part of the cell, next to the cytoplasm? The nucle-US.
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
Do you wear contacts?! (she says no...) Because your eyes are just so beautiful!
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
Does your left eye hurt? Because you’ve been looking right all day.
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
Up to snow good.
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
If I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes.
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
Please Mr.Postman deliver to my heart.