Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
It’s worth a shot.
When it’s raining, a turtle goes to a shell-ter.
Roses are red, my face is too.. that only happens when I see you.
What do you call a thriller movie involving cars?
Suspension movie.
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
Something tells me we'd make great travel partners.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald my bubble gum!
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
The thought of you makes me redder than the sands at North Shore.
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
Why do criminals hate coins?
Because half of them are coppers.
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
What did the angry witch do after sitting on her broomstick?
She flew off the handle.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
I have a personal rule to never eat chocolate alone.
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
Are those space pants? Cause your ass is out of this world.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
Are you Australian? Cause you meet all my koala-fications!
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."