Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel.
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
You must be the iceberg from Titanic and I'm the ship because tonight we're gonna smash.
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.
Your hand looks heavy—can I hold it for you?
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
I love you a tot!
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
Bad puns are how eye roll.
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Hi, you’re so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line. Would you settle for just flowers?
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!
“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
What's more amazing than a talking bat? A spelling bee!
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
As it snow happens.
Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...
During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.
She's waiting.
She's waiting...
The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"
The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
That rainbow is so neat, it must be professional gradient.
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry