Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
What will you call a crazy spaceman? An astronaut.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
My love for you is like a Trojan Horse, it’ll sneak up on you when you least expect it.
"Going out with you would be my biggest break since the rural juror."
- 30 Rock
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
Excuse me, I think I'm lost. Is this the bar or the musem? You're just a piece of art.
How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.
I thought this was a bar, but I must be in a museum because you’re a piece of art.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
Dublin’ the fun.
What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
Snow on and snow forth.
Did you hear about the goblin that got his left arm and left leg cut off?
Well don't worry, he's all right now.
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
Why do dogs find it hard to work the TV remote?
Because they always hit the paws button.
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you even after I'm sixty-four!
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.