For instant fun, just add water.
Do you comma here often?
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
Babe, are you Spotify? Because I would pay premium to spend uninterrupted time with you.
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son
"Beehive!"
Time fries when you’re having fun!
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t like being known about-?
Anonymouse.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.
Why do mice need oiling ?
Because they squeak !
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
Oh Miles, you make me Smiles.
Can I slip one past your goalie?
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
What does a man desperate to urinate do in a room full of arrogant people?
Egos everywhere.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud
If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.
Why do the French eat snails? They dislike fast food.
All you need is MY love
Is there a science room nearby, or am I just sensing chemistry between us?
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.