What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
My coffee is really hot. But you're hotter.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
What do you call a dog on the beach in the summer? A hot dog!
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
Wanna go back to my igloo and cuddle?
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.
‘’Euripides’’ says the tailor. ‘’Yeah, Eumenides?’’ replies the man.
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
What do you call a ghosts mom and dad? Transparents
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
I’m concerned you just might be my poison, Ivy
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
Damn girl, I must be an elephant. Because I'd never forget you.
Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!
Are you a sweet honeybee? Because you have stung me in the heart
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
You’re my #1 pick.
What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
Why was the leprechaun fired from his cashier job?
'Cause he was always a little short.
Live to tell the tail.
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
Are you from China? Cause I'm China get your number.
You have the prettiest smile I have ever seen.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
That’s a bit mulch.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
Fall arrives, and all hell bakes loose.
I wanna bob for your apples.
It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.