The favorite fruit of all ghost's are Bloooooo-berries!
It’s snow joke.
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.
Of course your name is Amy. I can already tell you’re Amy-zing
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the ONe.
I'm tired of this old broom. Got anything else I can ride?
What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?
A molar bear.
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Santa's Short Suit Shrunk
We’re a perfect mash.
Seas the day!
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
Girl, you’re like Propofol. You’re a knockout.
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!
If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
I'm no photographer but I can picture us together.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
Are you a practice room? Because I want you and I hope you're not taken
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
Damn girl, are you British?
Because you just conquered my heart
You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list.
A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
I'm using the wishbone to manifest a date with you.
I like 25 letters of the alphabet
But I love U.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.