“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
What position does a ghoul play on the soccer team?
Ghoulie!
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!
If there was no gravity on this planet, I would still fall for you.
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
Will you come to my place? You can sure lower my heating bill with your hotness.
Do you wanna know a secret? I'm in love with you.
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
What did the deer say to his friend who has slipping down the mountain?
Hang on for deer life!
What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
"You are adorable, mademoiselle. I study your feet with the microscope and your soul with the telescope."
― Victor Hugo, Les Misérables
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
We should've guessed the failed postman wouldn't be any better at delivering his acting lines.
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
You make me wanna go inside your wine cabinet and pull myself out a stiff one.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
Are you a red light because stop.
Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.
Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
A Bee?
A bee who?
A beaver is building a dam on the river.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
What did the snail say to the other who had hit him and run off? I'll get you next slime!
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts,
“Hey, are you a caiman?”
The alligator replies, “I’m alright, thanks, kid!”
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!