“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker

"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus

I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg

What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.

My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.

Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!

A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.

In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.

How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!

My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.

"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones

Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?

The broccoli.

What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.

Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.

I hand out couple assists per game, but never landed on a dime like you

My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.

Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.

What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?

My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.

The last time I saw a body like yours, I was burying it in my basement.

Aside from being single, what do you do for a living?

What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.

A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.

(Anthony Gallagher)

I love all of your stratified layers!

Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.

I lost my future girlfriend's phone number.
I think you might have it.

"Having a good hare day."

What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.

Can I wear your plaid flannel when I make you breakfast tomorrow morning?

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!

A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple.

I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.

Bad puns are how eye roll.

What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."

“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward

My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."

I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.

A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"

The horse said "nay."

The pig squealed.

What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!

When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.

The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.

French, French Revolution

How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.

What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.

I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.

What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.

"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead

Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.