How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
"Our relationship is like a fat guy."
"What?"
"It's not working out."
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
Sorry, I've lost my number.
May I get yours?
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
What do planets like to read?
Comet books.
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
I eat eel while you peel eel
Double bubble gum, bubbles double
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
Who did the ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up.
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
My frinds call me Legato, since I'm so smooth
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
I think you're mer-mazing.
Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
I imagined I saw a rainbow but it must have been a pigment of our imagination.
Is your name pronounced Ee-an, or Eye-an? I hope it’s the latter cuz I’ve got my Ian you
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
Why do the French eat snails? They dislike fast food.
I don’t want your candy, what I really want is your number.
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
Do you mind if I slip my rope under your route?
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards