I wish this gym had a stationary bike built for two.

How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.

Believe in your elf.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Two 4's.
Two 4's who?
No need to make lunch we already 8.

Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!

There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.

When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.

Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? On the bull the horns are in the front and the a***ole is in the back.

What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.

Are you Australia? Cause your geographical location is hot.

“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown

What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter

Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.

Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.

Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.

I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.

Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!

"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain

Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!

What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.

I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!

You should date a swimmer because no matter how tired we are, we never stop halfway.

I have a heart-on for you.

Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.

How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.

What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.

My coach told me not to get my heart rate over 160 today, but then I screwed up when I saw you!

I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.

You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."

If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!

What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!

“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White

"Standing next to you makes me feel better about myself."
- 30 Rock

What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.

My roommates insist that our house is haunted
I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.

“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”

What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.

Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.

"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."

What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.

"Sweet Treat Dream"

If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.

We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.

Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.

Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.

But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!

– Gillian M. Ward

What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke

What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?

My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.

Whats a good Spanish sports channel?
ESBieN.

What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"