What do pines eat for breakfast? Past-trees.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
You don’t look like such a proper noun to me.
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
Black ice isn't the only thing I'm falling for.
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
Hi, my name's Pogo. Wanna ride on my stick?
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
Why can't corona virus jokes go viral?
Because people are laughing into their elbows.
What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
I don’t know, but I will not smell it!
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
You should call us butter because we are on a roll. This would be one of the best volleyball puns to put on a T-shirt.
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
Girl, you must be norepinephrine because you make my heart race.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.
She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.
She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.
Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.
So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.
This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.
So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.
But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!
You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,
Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.
(Aaron M. Delao)
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.