“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
Why did the banana tree have to make a doctor’s appointment during the hurricane? Her fruit was peeling under the weather.
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
Why was the crocodile invited to glamorous parties?
Because she was a snappy dresser.
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
Are you a werewolf? 'Cause I'm lycan what I see.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
Because he couldn’t bear it!
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
Hey cutie nice pants, got any room in there for me.
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
If I had a garden I’d put your tulips and my tulips together
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Woman: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
How rude-olf of you.
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
How do you describe an acorn in one sentence? In a nutshell, it is an oak tree.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What’s your sign? Mine is stop.