A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
“Elves are always defending the shape of their ears. They make some good points.”
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!
I'm waking up at 5am for hockey. But I would stay up all night for you.
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
Which sea creature gives the best hugs?
A cuttlefish
What do cats eat on hot days?
Mice cream.
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
Hey baby, you know what sounds good? You and me never speaking to each other again.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Why should you never do math with a tiger?
If you add 4+4 you're gonna get ate.
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
You can count on the stars, but you can’t ever count on how much I miss you.
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
You can call me Jonah.
Because I'm going to show you a whale of a time.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
Are you a burger? Because you can be the meat between my buns.
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
When god gave out bodies, he did it in alphabetical order.
GOD: And to you, horse, I give you a golden mane, great strength and speed, and a giant gait. You will be the noblest of beasts, and men will love you.
HORSEFLY (next in line): Oh man this is gonna be gooood.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
Every time I think about you, my heart’s tempo shifts from adagio to allegro.