What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Just shooting my shot here, because you look so good. Hope it lands, but I guess Wesley..
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
You must be French, because you're looking really Nice tonight.
It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!
You're so pharma-cute-ical!
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
What did the confused cat say? I’m purr-plexed!
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor
Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply
I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming
In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'
Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?
- by Jenna Logan
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
Wow, your name makes sense because you’re truly Audrey-m come true
I can heartly wait to see you.
You’re the girl that everybody wants. Today is their lucky day.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
I got sacked from my job at the guillotine factory today
It’s a cut throat business
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.
Are you in the on deck circle? Çause you're up next.
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
People write Congrats because spelling Congrajlashins is hard.
You must be chlorine cause you are polarizing my bond.