My fat parrot escaped from its cage... To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders!
Where is the Ghost’s bedroom located? Down the Hall-oween.
What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.
Hey, I don’t know what you think of me but I hope it’s X-rated.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
These thousand tricky tongue twisters trip thrillingly off the tongue.
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.
My wife just yelled that I should fall in a pit or hole sunk into the earth to reach a supply of water and die.
I know she means well.
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
The tiger asked his longtime friend, "Will you be my tigerlfriend."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
What did the shark say to the whale?
What are you blubbering about?
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
Can you feel our love blossoming into a stable relationship?
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
Why should you never do math with a tiger?
If you add 4+4 you're gonna get ate.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.
If there was no gravity on this planet, I would still fall for you.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Let's skip the Netflix on the sofa and go straight to chill in my bed.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
Why was the horse such a good dancer?
It perfected its halturn.
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
I personally think bunnies are ear-resistible.
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.