You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.

What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.

It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.

"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."

I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.

Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.

"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet

How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.

What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens

What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."

Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.

Are you from history? Because your body looks royal.

"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"

Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.

She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.

One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.

So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.

Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.

My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”

“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz

What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.

If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.

Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.

My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Winter is here, weather you like it or not.

Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise

They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent

These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort

They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more

I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis

How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.

If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.

A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."

Hey there cyclist, do you need to use my pump?

Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.

Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.

“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker

What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.

I don't normally put all my eggs in one basket, but I wanna be your number one bunny, honey.

What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.

A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No

Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.

What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!

Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.

Did you hear about the guy who fell in love with a tree? They say he was a tree hugger.

Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.

Crows go to get their shopping at Cawst Co.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!

I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.

What’s a whale’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships.

I have a great relationship with my mother… land.

"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt

Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.

What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.