"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
Why are cars so cheeky?
Because they are fuel of it.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
Are you an Advil? Cause I'd like to take you every 2-4 hours.
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
You owe me a drink, you're so ugly I dropped mine when I saw you.
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
“Every mile is two in winter.”
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene
Please don’t go now. Else, I would have to go to the police station and report you to the cops. You just stole my heart.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
What’s a goat’s favorite TV show?
America’s Goat Talent.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
When the going gets tough, let the pins fall where they may.
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.