A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
Did you know this mall has a movie theater? I just saw a preview of our life together. Looks pretty good!
Let's commit the perfect crime, I'll steal your heart and you'll steal mine.
Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!
How do you learn more about spiders that live in the rainforest? Check out their web site!
The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
Which baseball player makes the best pancakes?
The batter.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
Want to be workout buddies?
Excuse me, do you kiss strangers? No? Then let me introduce myself.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
What do you call a communist vampire?
A red blood count.
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.